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Robert's Ramblings - Theoretically Entertaining
Robert's Ramblings
Theoretically Entertaining

National Novel Writing Month is Here

November 3, 2008 22:01 by Bobby

As you may or may not know, November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and is probably the greatest time of the year. What is NaNoWriMo? A challenge. But not just any challenge, the best kind of challenge -- the kind where the only reward is a sense of smug satisfaction. Basically, the challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month, that month being the aforementioned Novemeber. You don't get anything for winning, but having completed it in '06 I can say you do get a great sense of pride. For more on NaNoWriMo, hit up NaNoWriMo.org. If you enjoy writing I highly recommend you try, and as a helpful pointer, advise strongly against worrying too much about if what you are writing is "good." The whole point is to just get over your blocks and write, every day for a month, to show that you really can do it if you stop settling for excuses. There's all the time in the world after November to patch up minor problems like "characters just disappered on me with no explaination given" or "this plot doesn't make any fucking sense."

Anyways, as I mentioned, I did this in '06 successfully. For the first couple chapters I posted them on my blog. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't stopped doing that after getting hung up on the previosly mentioned "good" concept, because my laptop later died, and now my zombie epic is lost to the world. So, to ensure there is no repeat, I will be posting every chapter here when they are completed, no matter how stupid or bad I think they are. Without further adu, the prologue of the tentatively titled City on Down.

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New Article on Cracked! 6 Facebook Groups that Fuck You, Asshole

October 17, 2008 11:00 by Bobby

So, while I've been neglecting the blog due to being pretty busy (for my standards) and very sick the past few weeks, I have found time to write another article for Cracked.com. It's about all the facebook groups that I'm ready to start punching people in the sternum for inviting me to, and can be found here.

Also, if you don't mind taking the time to digg it, that would be cool too. As for the blogging, I'll be back at it with the regular Monday-Wednesday thing starting next week, on the condition that I can remember anything from the upcoming homecoming weekend come Monday to write about.

 

NOTE: May not be actual title of article


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My Boring Life Mondays: Operation Have Mercy

September 29, 2008 23:36 by Bobby
So recently I’ve begun to notice my sister, recently married, was starting to pack on the pounds. Having seen a stand-up comic before, I was well aware this is apparently quite normal, as after tricking a man down the aisle, women have been known to kind of give up. As one of the beautiful people however, I wasn’t too keen on becoming associated with an uggo, and so it was that I went about my solemn duty of pointing out that she sure needed to put down the damn cake. Well, as it turns out, Little Miss Has-an-Answer-for-Everything was ready to counter me with “I’m pregnant.”

A likely excuse.

Only she actually was, which is in itself pretty boring until you think about how it effects me, because I am important. I am now going to be an uncle, and God as my witness, I’m going to be the cool one. I mean, I’ll still be there for the occasional heartwarming bit of advice that succinctly wraps up the little scamps recent endeavors, but I’ll also be the one with the leather jacket and the hot babes. In short, I have to be this kid’s Uncle Jesse.



As you can see, I’ve already started. More...

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Why I Love My Friends #1: Musings on the Treeman

September 23, 2008 21:04 by Bobby
So, I’ve been bedridden the past week-and-a-half with a terrible cough that my family keeps fretting is pneumonia, and I keep insisting on not seeing a doctor for because “it’s bound to clear up in the next day or two.” It’s led to me completely ignoring this blog, and while I likely won’t be back at it for tomorrow’s Wednesday Word, I should be back on schedule for next week. Until then, a quicker, more feasible entry comes in the form of my latest feature, Why I Love My Friends, which is exactly as it seems – a chronicling (if for no other reason than to let my friends know I appreciate them now and to be able to look back and smile about it later) of all the times my interactions with my friends make me stop and think, ‘Damnit, I love my friends,’ and will be updated whenever I have one of those moments.

*****

Late last night I got a text from Jaclyn, who had recently discovered that half-man, half-tree guy. What ensued was a 15 minute conversation about how his life differs from a normal person's, besides the obvious he’s half-tree thing. While we covered the basics (Does he bleed sap? Is he more or less opposed to squirrels than the average man?) our conversing ultimately served to bring up a very important debate: would he be the most effective criminal ever, or the least effective?

On the one hand, he seems to live in a small village, and he has to be able to escape with relative ease. Just pilfer what you want to pilfer, hit the tree-line and you’re pretty much good to go.

On the con side, that has to be about the easiest police line-up in history.

At the end of the day, I’m still not sure where I weigh in on it, but I do know that I love my friends for inspiring me to deep thinking like that.

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Wednesday Word: A Terribly Late Review of Dead Rising

September 10, 2008 22:48 by Bobby
So I recently was made aware of a potential writing opportunity, and was asked to provide a writing sample, ideally of a video game review, since that’s what I would be writing about. As luck would have it, I have none of those, so I needed to make one now. Seeing as how I haven’t been financially able to buy any new games of late, I had to go to the archives, where I randomly chose Dead Rising to review, a mere two years after its release. I know you’ve all been anxiously waiting for me to tell you if it’s worth your time or not, so here you go.

*****

Tossing an apple and some cabbage in the blender you mix yourself up a green energizer shake before slamming it in one long pull. Feeling untouchable, you adjust your Mega Man helmet and tee a up a golf ball, smashing it off the face of a nearby undead who had previously been shambling toward you unsteadily before being introduced to Mr. Titleist. Taking no time to admire your shot, you grab a nearby frying pan off the grill and quickly apply it to another zombie’s face. Welcome to Dead Rising. This is not your father’s zombie game, or even your older brother’s.

While Capcom has found plenty of zombified success with its Resident Evil series, Dead Rising takes a strong departure from the established norms in undead destruction. No longer are you placed in the shoes of somebody who knows their way around a little killing. That would be too easy. No, this time you’re Frank West, a freelance photojournalist who, upon hearing about some wild happenings going down in a small town in Colorado, decides to charter himself a helicopter into the center of the fracas. After watching a series of increasingly zombie-like occurrences en-route, Frank still seems to think it’s a good call to pop in for a visit and soon finds himself swimming in a sea of the undead, all looking to bite him in and around his face.

As Frank delves deeper into the mysterious truth behind the zombie outbreak he begins to realize all is not as it seems and that this is no ordinary ho-hum zombie outbreak. Frank also proves, unsurprisingly, to be the only mall survivor competent enough to save pretty much every other mall survivor. Through time, you can guide the plucky camera-jockey along his evolution from an awkward man who can barely throw a punch into a zombie-killing machine, wielding a chainsaw expertly while possibly wearing a dress.

The Good
: To say that Dead Rising has replay value is somewhat akin to saying Halo was a popular title. Technically you’re right, but it’s a bit of an understatement. The game provides you with a wide array of hand-to-hand finishing moves to but zombies down for the count in style, but where it truly shines is when it comes to what items Frank encounters in the mall that he can then turn into a weapon. In short, pretty-much all of them. While there’s of course the standard fare you’d expect in a game which promises an endless supply of guilt-free (hey, they’re already dead, and they’re monsters) slaughter, namely guns, swords and, most entertainingly, a battle axe to swing in wide deadly circles, the game also features more inventive weapons for Frank to employ. Want to see a zombie stumble around aimlessly -- well, more aimlessly than usual? Slap a plastic helmet on one, blinding it. If you want to see how they handle a slick floor (hint: poorly) you need only spread a little cooking oil around and enjoy watching Zombies on Ice. In fact, with many weapons containing multiple methods of attack, one can spend an entire day playing around in the mall without encountering all the many ways to dispose of the formerly-living.

The Bad: Don’t count on having a day’s game play to devote to playing around, at least not if you want to get your story. It’s like Capcom spent all this money designing the world’s most-fun playground, then installed it at high school where the students schedules don’t account for recess. Seldom over the course of Frank’s three days in the mall do you get time to just go wild on the undead population, leaving players with the choice of being a good-little hero and getting the earth-shattering story, or running around with a sledgehammer to pop heads. Suffice it to say it makes advancing the plot, despite knowing you’re progressing towards a final goal, still feel a bit like you’re not playing it right. Another problem the strict schedule creates comes with the game’s “unique” save system, which some might describe as mind-blowingly stupid. Dead Rising allots you a grand total of one save space per profile which is automatically overwritten when you save your game. While this is frustrating enough on its own, it reaches a new level when you get to day three and hurry off to a mall bathroom to save your game only to discover, upon picking the controller back up later, that from your lone save point you don’t have time to get where you need to go to continue getting the story, and you’ll have to restart the whole thing if you hope to beat the game. Tough luck, kiddo.

The Ugly: Capcom’s already successful Resident Evil series reached new levels of popularity with Resident Evil 4. After months of careful study, the designers must have come to the conclusion that what everybody loved about the game wasn’t all the zombie killing, it was those exhilarating times you got to escort the inept Ashley, because nearly every side-quest, and several plot-mandatory quests, in Dead Rising entails leading one or more survivors through the mall. Repetitive missions are bad enough by themselves, but constantly forcing gamers to put up with escort missions, long established as one of the most frustrating challenges in gaming, is just plain mean.

The Verdict: At the end of the day, the pure fun of Dead Rising’s gameplay is enough to overcome some of its less-desirable quirks. Sure the single save file can grate on your nerves at times, but there’s nothing that says you can’t simply go to town with the mall’s arsenal without saving afterward, and destroying your progress, when you feel like a little GTA-caliber mayhem. The game does also attempt to add a little variety into the copious escort missions, changing the number and abilities of the escorted, who will range from able to fend for themselves with weapons to needing to be carried. While Dead Rising may not be a flawless effort, it’s still a unique title that packs plenty of bang for your buck.

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My Boring Life Mondays: I'm Growing a Beard... Sort Of

September 8, 2008 21:57 by Bobby

Early last week, as I tried to recover from a Labor Day weekend which saw me incoherently drunk by about five each night, I had a sudden realization wash over me. I was unemployed, for the next week or so I wouldn’t be looking to change that situation, and, due in large part to that situation, I didn’t have any money to be going out. What that meant was I had no workplace level of appearance to maintain, and I wasn’t likely to find myself in a situation where I was meeting ladies of the foxy and single variety. In short, I had no reason whatsoever to give a shit what I looked like. It was with that realization that I decided I would finally fulfill a dream of mine. For no other reason than to see just how bad it was going to look, I decided to grow a beard. Sort of.

I say sort of for a pair different yet equally important reasons. For starters, I did not embark upon this endeavor with any plans to keep said beard. I can’t stand facial hair in the slightest. I just genuinely do not enjoy the feeling of bringing my hand to my face and finding stubble or, as is currently the case, actual hair. More importantly (okay, I lied earlier) to say that I’m growing a beard implies that I would be growing something which resembles what the average person would consider a beard, namely hair on my face coming from the sideburns, down through the cheeks, and joining up in the middle in the neighborhood of my mouth. I knew the general areas my “facial hair” would be residing heading in however, just not how it would look with any tangible length, and that area could best be described as around my upper lip and a patch on the chin. Oh, and a little patch of neckbeard. As an added bonus, a significant portion of these hairs, including the entirety of the middle of my “mustache,” are blond, which gives me a nice negative-Hitler-stache appearance.

To help properly show you the disparity between what facial hair should be on a fully grown man and what I am instead sporting as I type this, I thought some visuals would help. Unfortunately, I don’t own a digital camera. Fortunately, I do like drawing (see: tracing) people in Gimp, so I do have some handy aides.


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Wednesday Word: 2008 NFL Preview

September 3, 2008 21:35 by Bobby

It’s early September, which means the internet is currently overflowing with NFL Season Previews. Every major sports site has one, and they all share one common theme: they are all exhaustively researched and created through hours of diligent analysis of all 53 players on all 32 NFL-teams by a team of NFL experts.

Well I don’t have a team of NFL experts at my disposal. And while I do have hours available for diligent research of rosters, I also have a Nintendo Wii that my friend left at my house, so, you know, priorities. That being said, I do love football, and that leaves me with quite the quandary -- how do I come up with a reliable preview, on par with the best available to the public, without putting in the same level of work?

And then it dawned on me. Even with all that research, at the end of the season, somebody hits the playoffs that nobody picked to win 5 games, and somebody ends up in the cellar that everybody knew was a lock to take home the title. Why’s this? Because the NFL is fucking wacky.

So now I realize that simple dumb luck, with a little help from expert knowledge, can likely be just as effective as actual effort in predicting this year’s season. All I needed was a system which wouldn’t take too much effort, and boy howdie, did I ever find one. I took the first batch of pre-season Power Rankings to hit a major site (CBS Sportsline being the lucky winner) and developed a formula for simulating individual games that required about two seconds of thinking and was dubious at best. Using said formula, and a random integer generator I found online, I ran a highly scientific single trial, and came up with this. Originally it was to be the first full article update for my actual site (for those of you who just know there's a blog, yes it's a part of an actual, albeit small for now, web site [For those of you who only see these when facebook imports the blog a few hours after I post to it, yes there's an actual blog where I post these before they automatically become notes]) but then I couldn't focus enough to write a full entry and stopped after three divisions.

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My Boring Life Mondays: Some Friendly Haikus

September 1, 2008 12:28 by Bobby

I missed my last Wednesday update after being sick and then, upon recovering (almost) deciding I’d rather spend the weekend getting drunk in Sea Isle. Oh well, actual update Wednesday. Until then, it’s time for another self-serving My Boring Life update. Hooray!

Inspired, as is often the case, by the CRACKED forums, as well as the incomparable Tuesday Morning Quarterback (I‘d provide a link here but just discovered his all-haiku NFL Preview for 2008 comes out tomorrow. Fuck my timing) I decided to spend this week’s My Boring Life on writing some haikus (haiku?) about my friends. So I put together a list of people who liked me. Since that total came to about 6, I added another 20 or so people from school and work who can kind of tolerate me and who I also could come up with a moderately entertaining haiku about, and came up with this. Presented, for your browsing pleasure, alphabetically.

*****
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My Boring Life Mondays: Keeping Entertained at Home

August 25, 2008 12:00 by Bobby
This past summer I worked two jobs. Well, two kind-of-jobs. Still, they did help occupy a large portion of my time until, in the past week or so, they came to a close when the team I wrote for missed the playoffs, and the children I failed to watch headed back to school.

What’s more, with summer coming to an end, I have gone from a thriving crop of folk to hang out with to a limited selection. Everybody I hung out with from work has, much to my envious chagrin, returned to the glorious fantasy world of college. All of my other Sparta friends don’t quite share my one-class-to-go predicament, and as such are working real jobs.

So where does that leave me now? Sitting around the house with absolutely fuck-all to do.

After having spent my first week of said freedom doing precisely that, I feel it is now time to sit down and come up with an array of better ways to spend my time. I think it’s coming along nicely. More...

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The Wednesday Word: An Open Letter to Nastia Liukin

August 20, 2008 12:00 by Bobby
Dear Nastia,

I am writing to you today to offer you my sincerest of congratulations. For you see, as an eligible gentleman, I entered this year’s Olympic Games looking for very little but perhaps a little entertainment. And yet, having watched your performances in both the team and individual competitions, I am proud to say you are a winner. A winner of what? Why the greatest prize in the world.

A marriage proposal.

Now, I know there are likely many reservations you are feeling about this no-doubt inspiring and flattering offer. Fortunately, I have taken the time to address these concerns for you so that you can see that this proposal is indeed all that it is cracked-up to be, and not one of those too-good-to-be-true scenarios one often imagines themselves to be in when proposed to be a gentleman of my caliber.

So… You watch gymnastics? Are you sure it’s a woman you’re looking to marry?

Indeed a fair point. One could argue that, appealing as it is to the feminine masses, gymnastics falls just barely in front of All-Nude, All-Male Wrestling on the list of heterosexual things to watch. And yet, when time came for NBC to broadcast your event, where was I? Right smack dab in front of the TV.

So why would a hetero-sexual man in his early twenties feel inclined to watch?

Was it the gyrating in spandex? Maybe for some creepers out there -- well, a lot of creepers out there -- but alas, in my case, no.

Was it the excellent work done by the NBC telecasters to paint a compelling story of the fierce rivalry with the Chinese team? No, though that did allow me to cheer more openly and be more invested emotionally in gymnastics than I ever would have reckoned I’d find myself.

So what then? Well, I really wanted to see somebody beat those “16-year-olds” from China, because as a camp counselor, there’s nothing I love more than the sight of a crying 12-year-old. It’s why I love the Little League World Series. More...

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